Making a Promise to Myself

This week I've been a little crazy.. Blaming it on- I'm not feeling well; stupid cold... maybe things not going our way, or always hormones?? it is that time :/ .... Who knows! I've been a little short, a little impatient, and maybe a little selfish.

Thursday night, I had the worst sore throat I think I've ever had. I woke up in tears from the pain to swallow, it was excruciating... It seemed to get better as the day went on. Friday, I was tired.. still feeling weak, but feeling on the mend. E had an eye appointment in St George at 3:30 that afternoon. I debated over and over about canceling... Excuses were; the drive, her eye really isn't that bad, whats another couple months, I don't want to go alone and so on. I called to reschedule and it would push us back to August to have the simple procedure done. I didn't want her to wait that long so I decided we would go.

I had hair that morning, still feeling weak, J was having a day at work that was adding stress to a stressful day, but thankfully E was being a total gem. We've had a couple bad weeks of temper tantrums and whining, but Friday was a good day. Every day since has been a good day.. I am thankful.

We hurried to get out of the door in time.. seems like we never make it.. but we were right on schedule. As we were driving to her appointment, I had my mother in law who was anything but sober... pushing me to my limits, and getting me that much closer to my boiling point. Then J called to vent his stressful day of work on his supportive, ready to scream, wife. I finally got off my phone and looked back to check on E.. She had decided to squirt her bottle of milk, just entertaining herself and playing of course on her new, clean, cute clothes. I grabbed the bottle and snapped!!!!! Yelling... "NO!!!!! WE DON'T DO THAT!!!" With that motherly finger point and a beyond angry stern face, ripping the bottle from her hands... I was driving so my face was back on the road. I threw the basically empty bottle on the passenger seat. I had hit my limit.... After a minute or so, I look back at E.... I still see her face as it was... Sad, Heartbroken, Scared, Red, Water Filled Eyes, with a quivering lip. She didn't cry. She wanted to. I wanted to. I looked back to the road and back at her, still looking at me with THAT look.

As I'm typing this now, my eyes fill up with tears. My heart broke. Here I had taken EVERYTHING that had made MY day absolutely frustrating, out on this sweet girl who simple didn't even know what she was doing was not okay. She had been nothing but good to me and that's how I reacted to literally spilt milk...

Reading this, doesn't do it justice. May seems so silly, may seem like I never yell at E. I do. Plenty. But the moment was real, and I was touched to put things in perspective and learn from it.

I made a promise that day.. I KNOW I will have a day like this again... It happens. It's life. But I pray I will try my best to never take out the stupid everyday events that get the best of me, out on this sweet girl. She doesn't deserve it. No one deserves it. Not a kid, not a spouse, not a mother, no one. As hard as some days may be, not having her would be harder. It's obvious I love her more than anything.. I love J more than anything.. Without them, life would be lonely and boring. They are my world and whether days or good... or days are bad.. they deserve my best!!!