Making a Promise to Myself

This week I've been a little crazy.. Blaming it on- I'm not feeling well; stupid cold... maybe things not going our way, or always hormones?? it is that time :/ .... Who knows! I've been a little short, a little impatient, and maybe a little selfish.

Thursday night, I had the worst sore throat I think I've ever had. I woke up in tears from the pain to swallow, it was excruciating... It seemed to get better as the day went on. Friday, I was tired.. still feeling weak, but feeling on the mend. E had an eye appointment in St George at 3:30 that afternoon. I debated over and over about canceling... Excuses were; the drive, her eye really isn't that bad, whats another couple months, I don't want to go alone and so on. I called to reschedule and it would push us back to August to have the simple procedure done. I didn't want her to wait that long so I decided we would go.

I had hair that morning, still feeling weak, J was having a day at work that was adding stress to a stressful day, but thankfully E was being a total gem. We've had a couple bad weeks of temper tantrums and whining, but Friday was a good day. Every day since has been a good day.. I am thankful.

We hurried to get out of the door in time.. seems like we never make it.. but we were right on schedule. As we were driving to her appointment, I had my mother in law who was anything but sober... pushing me to my limits, and getting me that much closer to my boiling point. Then J called to vent his stressful day of work on his supportive, ready to scream, wife. I finally got off my phone and looked back to check on E.. She had decided to squirt her bottle of milk, just entertaining herself and playing of course on her new, clean, cute clothes. I grabbed the bottle and snapped!!!!! Yelling... "NO!!!!! WE DON'T DO THAT!!!" With that motherly finger point and a beyond angry stern face, ripping the bottle from her hands... I was driving so my face was back on the road. I threw the basically empty bottle on the passenger seat. I had hit my limit.... After a minute or so, I look back at E.... I still see her face as it was... Sad, Heartbroken, Scared, Red, Water Filled Eyes, with a quivering lip. She didn't cry. She wanted to. I wanted to. I looked back to the road and back at her, still looking at me with THAT look.

As I'm typing this now, my eyes fill up with tears. My heart broke. Here I had taken EVERYTHING that had made MY day absolutely frustrating, out on this sweet girl who simple didn't even know what she was doing was not okay. She had been nothing but good to me and that's how I reacted to literally spilt milk...

Reading this, doesn't do it justice. May seems so silly, may seem like I never yell at E. I do. Plenty. But the moment was real, and I was touched to put things in perspective and learn from it.

I made a promise that day.. I KNOW I will have a day like this again... It happens. It's life. But I pray I will try my best to never take out the stupid everyday events that get the best of me, out on this sweet girl. She doesn't deserve it. No one deserves it. Not a kid, not a spouse, not a mother, no one. As hard as some days may be, not having her would be harder. It's obvious I love her more than anything.. I love J more than anything.. Without them, life would be lonely and boring. They are my world and whether days or good... or days are bad.. they deserve my best!!!

18 months of Elsie...

Can't believe my baby is almost 20 months!! She is the sweetest thing one second, and a straight fireball the next. It's amazing how really, overnight, she has become a little person and we are kissing the baby phase goodbye. I definitely miss those days, but I look forward to having this little gal grow into something great! 

We went to the doctor's for her 18 month check up a month late, but she's still healthy and right where she should be... always a relief for a first time Mom :)

-33.5 inches tall

-25.5 pounds

-19 inches for her beautiful head :)

New Words

-Hi

-Ball

-Apple

-Balloon

-Eyes

-Doggy

-Please

-Cheese

-Thank You

-Milk

Favorite Things

-Shoes

-Finding Nemo .... STILL.. Grrrrrrr!!!! So over it!!

-Trampoline

-Slides

-Swimming

-Fish

-Horses

-Razor Rides

-Suckers

-Anything with dipping sauce

-DAD

-Grandpa

-Hiding in Mom's shoe closet to go poop!

-Blow Bubbles in the pool or bath

-You Tube Songs

Love this little thang most days... today it was hard too... but grateful for her and her little spit fire attitude!!! :) WE LOVE YOU, Elsie Kate!!!!

Jamaica, Mon!

I LOVE to vacation... When it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, some people are usually making a list of items they want... all I want is to plan a trip! We've been able to track some ground since J and I have been married... Los Cabos, Ensenada, Cancun, Hawaii, and now Jamaica!  We've traveled some state side as well but every place has been a great experience and we still have much more to see! I have to admit, it was a lot easier before we had E in our lives... There was a sense of guilt as I laid on the beach, care free, soaking up a week of ME time!! I forgot what that was like.

Jamaica.... Gorgeous... Care Free... Humble People... Tropical... Just beautiful!! The resort was amazing!! We stayed at the Riu Resort and would definitely go back. I didn't take these pictures, but this is it!!

Riu, Nergil, Jamaica

 Pool Side

We went because J's work partner was getting married here, and they had a big destination wedding. It was beautiful.... I didn't get too many pictures! I'm regretting that now, but at the moment, the sun rays felt much better then walking around taking pictures!!

Beach Party/Concert... Reggae music all the way

A little snorkeling....

 Wedding Day

Groom, Jody, and Best Man

Mr and Mrs Adam Bowser

I'm tired.... and wishing I was still on vacation, so this post is just a little... bleh! BUT..... I'm

grateful for the time me and J were able to spend together. As hard as it is to leave E, it was all worth it. Overall, it was a successful trip and Jamaica was good to us.. Now saving those pennies for the next one!!! :) 

Easter 2013

Easter was great this year... Gotta give it up to those little ones! They make holidays feel like your a kid again! We had the best...

We celebrated the morning a little crazy. J had to speak in church and lucky for us, we have 9:00 church. Of course me and E were late so we didn't get our Easter 2013 Family Picture.... so tragic ;)... but we made it in time to hear "Dada" speak and he did wonderful.

This is the only picture I have of E in her Easter dress. The girl HATES taking pictures.. SOO not my kid! Not that I love it, but when necessary, I can strike a pose and have fun with it! Not this one.. But we love her anyways and she looked simply beautiful..

Later, we met up with cousins at Grandma and Grandpa Bowler's house... We had lots of fun with our family... decorating eggs, finding easter treats, and enjoying the adult interaction for us siblings. I love my family so much. We always have a great time when we get together!!

Patiently... or not so patiently waiting!

C'mon Mom!!!!!

Let's Do this!!

Grandpa and Uncle Jeff watching the chaos :)

Now this is FUN!

Cookie Decorating

A little water playing

Easter 2013 was good to us

Hope you all had a Happy Easter too!!

I'm done with the ride... sigh....

Where to start.... Maybe with the positives?? Let me try...

First, I'm grateful for holidays! Easter is tomorrow and it's another favorite. We spent the day with family doing atv rides, picnics, a little gun shooting, ya know.... country stuff and I LOVE it!!! As much as I love the city life, when I get out into the desert, nothing makes me happier.

 Another positive... Grateful for my Savior. This week has been FREAKING hard!!!! It's been a roller coaster ride, and I hate roller coasters!!! With that being said, I finally made it to the store this morning. Elsie was having probably the most epic meltdown of her short life while we were there and I was ready to bust into tears... honestly! Might sound ridiculous, but it was the cherry on top of a hard time. I get out to my car, and a woman I don't even know, kindly said, "wait right there," as I approached my car to load groceries. I didn't know what to think, so I started loading groceries, finished, and put Elsie in the car. She walked over to me to give me the most beautiful crochet blanket with the words "I want you to have this for your beautiful girl!" I thanked her a million times, as she walked away and then I hopped in my car.... The tears finally came. The Lord is amazing. He knew I needed something... Something that would make my heart smile, and that was it. It's amazing as to how much a stranger at our local food market, could touch my heart in such a way she did. I'm GRATEFUL for that woman, the words she said, and the tender mercy it was.

This week. I have HATED this week. I've been mad, bitter, angry... and I RARELY let such emotions take me over. Not saying I don't have bad days, but I usually handle the bad deck of cards that are thrown my way pretty well. This week... I didn't. Luckily, I'm getting there. We have infertility problems. Obviously thats no secret. I'm okay with it. People get scared to ask what the problem is, and we are completely open about it. I have PCOS which is a metabolic disorder mostly, but can cause problems with infertility. We tried for 5 years to get our sweet Elsie, and I thank my lucky stars EVERY night for her (even after this mornings grocery store episode ;)... and for the wonderful modern medicine such as IVF so we can have her! I love that girl more than anything!!

18 months later. I was ready for another baby... J was ready for another baby! We decided we would fly back to Boston and do it again to get our last one! We flew back, had a great trip, our embryos looked amazing, all seemed hopeful. We did the procedure, and the waiting week began to find out if it worked. Anyone who has done fertility treatments, knows that waiting period, is the longest wait of your life. Of course I'm crazy, and started testing 5 days after the procedure. It was POSITIVE!! I continued to test every morning after that, and the positive line just got darker and popped up quicker. I was pregnant. It finally became time to do the blood test. I passed! Numbers looked great, we were getting excited. We did another blood test 3 days later, and numbers were increasing really well just like they were supposed to. Monday I had my ultrasound, saw the little sac and we were officially pregnant and beyond excited about it. Life was as "planned!"

Two days later....Wednesday..... Rita was here cleaning my house (totally have a cleaning lady for my 2x2 house.. don't judge!!) and I was helping cleaning as well. I started to feel weird so I put Elsie down for her nap, and laid down myself. My sis-in-law showed up minutes later for me to do her hair, so we proceeded with the hair cutting/coloring. As I was foiling her hair, I felt it. I knew I was bleeding and I was scared to even go to the bathroom to check, but I did. I lost it... I knew! In my mind, I was trying to be hopeful as I called my doc, maybe a blood clot, maybe implantation bleeding, or maybe I just miscarried. We rushed into Vegas to get an ultrasound and the little tiny sac we once saw was gone. I cried... I cried... and I cried!! I know MANY have had miscarriages. My heart goes out to you. Their common and they suck!! But what left me in my bitter rut, WHY me?? Haven't I already been through enough?? 5 years of bull sh!t testing, failed treatments, thousands of dollars, and high hopes?? WHY couldn't the pregnant tests just been negative from the beginning? WHY can my crack a** neighbor have 9 kids, but J and I who are trying our best to be good parents, can't get another?? I have a million questions as to why... NO answers! I've learned it's okay... and I can handle the trial. Everyone has something they're going through... we're all trying to figure out WHY! Sometimes we get the answers, and sometimes we don't.

What I do know... is I'm blessed! I have great health, I have a husband who loves me, and who I adore, and a miracle daughter already who is the best part of our little family... and knowing I have them forever it the greatest blessing of all. No one can take THEM away. And that's why my favorite quote is "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, but it means you've been able to look beyond the imperfections!" I'm grateful to be able to pass this rough patch in life, with the help of my Savior, and the sweet woman who reminded me that I have a beautiful girl to cherish now and to pull out, and be "happy" with my life, imperfections and all! :)

Safe Haven

I've been waiting for another epic Nicholas Sparks movie since "The Notebook." It seemed like it never came and none of the others (Dear John, The Vow, The Lucky One) even compared to the famous classic love story!

Until Now...

Safe Haven was all sorts of amazing! I'm getting excited to read the book because I loved the movie so much!!

A Son and His Mom...

I wouldn't say I'm a sensitive person when it comes to ME... My feelings. My opinions or theories. My doings. but when it comes at someone else's expense, or someone being teased or bullied... it simply.... breaks. my. heart.

A little piece broke today....

My husband has a mother who is special. Mentally handicap. Socially awkward. And not the prettiest physically. She struggles in almost every way in what "we" often think is normal. She is not. She is different.

Monday is HER day... Her day to go to the local bank to get her money out for the week. Her day to splurge on a McDonalds Chocolate shake if she feels the desire. Her day to go downtown, with her 50.00$ allowance to buy whatever she needs for the week. And when I think of 50$ for a week with groceries, entertainment, and living essentials, I don't know if I could survive. She can and doesn't complain.

As she was pacing down the grocery store aisle, filling her cart with things, she knew her son who worked across the street would love a Pepsi! With what little change she had left, she bought a Pepsi to walk over to her sons office.

As she was walking.. Or possibly strutting because she feels pretty, maybe because this weekly task is her highlight of the week and wears only her best... my husband hears a few comments from the boys in his office, nothing positive, actually quite hurtful... beating up this woman walking across the street towards them with a Pepsi. J walks out from his office to see who the jokes were being directed to... The woman, who spent what little change she had, for her sweet boy... His mother!

He quickly went through the back door, around his office, to stop her from going in... Simply to not embarrass her or put the new employees to shame for how they acted.. He thanked her for the drink, and she headed back to the store. His heart was heavy as he sat in his office hearing the jokes and comments being made until she disappeared! He stands up for his Mom, takes care of her and loves her more than anything... But he felt it wasn't his place to say something then. There will be a moment when she will appear in his office, and be introduced as his mother and I hope they take this experience and learn from it because I know we've all been there! I know I've been on the employee side SOMETIME in my life.

But when I look at her, I don't see the unhealthy body she lives in, but the beautiful grandma, mother, and soul that lives inside. She teaches us things, no one else could.