First, I'm grateful for holidays! Easter is tomorrow and it's another favorite. We spent the day with family doing atv rides, picnics, a little gun shooting, ya know.... country stuff and I LOVE it!!! As much as I love the city life, when I get out into the desert, nothing makes me happier.
Another positive... Grateful for my Savior. This week has been FREAKING hard!!!! It's been a roller coaster ride, and I hate roller coasters!!! With that being said, I finally made it to the store this morning. Elsie was having probably the most epic meltdown of her short life while we were there and I was ready to bust into tears... honestly! Might sound ridiculous, but it was the cherry on top of a hard time. I get out to my car, and a woman I don't even know, kindly said, "wait right there," as I approached my car to load groceries. I didn't know what to think, so I started loading groceries, finished, and put Elsie in the car. She walked over to me to give me the most beautiful crochet blanket with the words "I want you to have this for your beautiful girl!" I thanked her a million times, as she walked away and then I hopped in my car.... The tears finally came. The Lord is amazing. He knew I needed something... Something that would make my heart smile, and that was it. It's amazing as to how much a stranger at our local food market, could touch my heart in such a way she did. I'm GRATEFUL for that woman, the words she said, and the tender mercy it was.
This week. I have HATED this week. I've been mad, bitter, angry... and I RARELY let such emotions take me over. Not saying I don't have bad days, but I usually handle the bad deck of cards that are thrown my way pretty well. This week... I didn't. Luckily, I'm getting there. We have infertility problems. Obviously thats no secret. I'm okay with it. People get scared to ask what the problem is, and we are completely open about it. I have PCOS which is a metabolic disorder mostly, but can cause problems with infertility. We tried for 5 years to get our sweet Elsie, and I thank my lucky stars EVERY night for her (even after this mornings grocery store episode ;)... and for the wonderful modern medicine such as IVF so we can have her! I love that girl more than anything!!
18 months later. I was ready for another baby... J was ready for another baby! We decided we would fly back to Boston and do it again to get our last one! We flew back, had a great trip, our embryos looked amazing, all seemed hopeful. We did the procedure, and the waiting week began to find out if it worked. Anyone who has done fertility treatments, knows that waiting period, is the longest wait of your life. Of course I'm crazy, and started testing 5 days after the procedure. It was POSITIVE!! I continued to test every morning after that, and the positive line just got darker and popped up quicker. I was pregnant. It finally became time to do the blood test. I passed! Numbers looked great, we were getting excited. We did another blood test 3 days later, and numbers were increasing really well just like they were supposed to. Monday I had my ultrasound, saw the little sac and we were officially pregnant and beyond excited about it. Life was as "planned!"
Two days later....Wednesday..... Rita was here cleaning my house (totally have a cleaning lady for my 2x2 house.. don't judge!!) and I was helping cleaning as well. I started to feel weird so I put Elsie down for her nap, and laid down myself. My sis-in-law showed up minutes later for me to do her hair, so we proceeded with the hair cutting/coloring. As I was foiling her hair, I felt it. I knew I was bleeding and I was scared to even go to the bathroom to check, but I did. I lost it... I knew! In my mind, I was trying to be hopeful as I called my doc, maybe a blood clot, maybe implantation bleeding, or maybe I just miscarried. We rushed into Vegas to get an ultrasound and the little tiny sac we once saw was gone. I cried... I cried... and I cried!! I know MANY have had miscarriages. My heart goes out to you. Their common and they suck!! But what left me in my bitter rut, WHY me?? Haven't I already been through enough?? 5 years of bull sh!t testing, failed treatments, thousands of dollars, and high hopes?? WHY couldn't the pregnant tests just been negative from the beginning? WHY can my crack a** neighbor have 9 kids, but J and I who are trying our best to be good parents, can't get another?? I have a million questions as to why... NO answers! I've learned it's okay... and I can handle the trial. Everyone has something they're going through... we're all trying to figure out WHY! Sometimes we get the answers, and sometimes we don't.
What I do know... is I'm blessed! I have great health, I have a husband who loves me, and who I adore, and a miracle daughter already who is the best part of our little family... and knowing I have them forever it the greatest blessing of all. No one can take THEM away. And that's why my favorite quote is "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, but it means you've been able to look beyond the imperfections!" I'm grateful to be able to pass this rough patch in life, with the help of my Savior, and the sweet woman who reminded me that I have a beautiful girl to cherish now and to pull out, and be "happy" with my life, imperfections and all! :)
